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Exhale On

by Diane Barbarash

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about

My new song, Exhale On, was written for a friend struggling with addiction. When I’m writing any song there’s always a thread of part of me running though. Maybe you’ll see a part of yourself in it too.

I grew up middle class poor, meaning there was never any money for extras. We had a house and all the basics. My clothes were usually end-of-season sale items, and food was simple. Requests were often followed by my mother reiterating that my father hid all our money in insurance policies, while my father stayed away from home as much as possible to avoid conflict. But when my parents divorced, I got things. I got horseback riding lessons, brand new clothes, and even a trip to Disneyland. I wouldn’t say all this changed how I felt on the inside, but I became keenly aware of the benefits of the situation.

From a really young age I begged for a guitar. My plan was to be a rock star, and to that end I would scribble down cheesy David Cassidy-style pop songs and practiced my best moves to Led Zeppelin’s Black Dog. I was pretty serious. But all my begging fell on deaf ears until after The Divorce, when on my thirteenth birthday I was presented with a classical guitar! Unfortunately, this was not the rock goddess axe I had imagined; this one was small and dressed with nylon strings. My heart sank, followed by guilt for feeling disappointed. The guitar is from me, my mother said proudly, and the lessons will be paid for by your father. Well, this rare show of parental unity was way too much pressure, so with that, any protest I could have conjured up died on the spot and I just accepted my lame fate. However, to my amazement I fell in love with classical music and technique. In fact, the more I immersed myself in compositions by Albeniz, Bach, and Tchaikovsky, the more I wanted nothing more but to be proficient in those beautiful sonatas. They opened my ears, got me out of bed, and gave me focus, at least for a time.

After three years I became somewhat unruly wild and angry, and so the need to express myself more contemporarily with an acoustic or electric became obvious and urgent. I had just turned sixteen and the train was going fast. I moved out on my own, joined a Free School and began to write and perform my original songs at local Toronto cafes by night.

I think gratitude is a learned thing. It’s not that I didn’t understand the efforts my parents made to support me, but to get past all the complicated issues of childhood well, that took time. Now, I look at everything as a gift.

lyrics

what is it like to be you
train wreck running
across the vast terrain
all the way from the Eastside
sunrise dying
and you’re still awake
I know you want to show up
but you’re still a child
and everyone has their eye on you
when you’re wild

the last time you said sorry
was when you hit the ground
and crows were calling out all around you
you know your life has meaning
it pulls you out
pulls you out
pulls you out

thank you thank you
exhale on
for never giving up on yourself
thank you thank you
exhale on
for never giving up on yourself
for never giving up on yourself

breathe it out now
breathe it out now

I know you want to show up
but you’re still a child
and everyone has their eye on you
when you’re wild

thank you thank you
exhale on
for never giving up on yourself
thank you thank you
exhale on
for never giving up on yourself
for never giving up on yourself

credits

released August 2, 2022
written recorded and produced by Diane Barbarash 2022
guitars by Diane Barbarash
beats by Vince Paper$

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Diane Barbarash Vancouver, British Columbia

Thank you to the ones who inspire me daily to be true to myself when I write... Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Steve Earle, Sigur Ros, Kathleen Edwards, Kacey Musgraves, Julie Miller, Rhianna, Future, Bon Iver, Yellawolf, Lights and to songwriters everywhere ... more

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