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I Was There

from Evidence of Love by Diane Barbarash

/

lyrics

I was there
a screaming mess of 12 years old begging
you to hear me
my head one force away from cracking
the drywall just sound
no blood

there was no forgiving
and there was no end to the fight
darknesslikelightning
tracked us through generations
pitting us on the front line
reflecting ancient scripts

I remember selective disappointments
the time I danced and sang then announced
I would be a star someday
Oh
was the best you could do
your mustard-colored tattered sweater limping hanging
lifelessly off your boney shoulders
holes and threads
you wore it every day without fail
a treasure from your years
of lost dreams

my bold attempt to break the chain
and the best I could do back then
was to travel 3000 miles away and back
then later whiskey’s shadow
reeking defiance and desperation
and that went on for years
and I believed I could be saved
from you

I wrote pages on those walls
and I remember all of it

I went back there
the house that heard every scream
I don’t know what I was expecting
the place that still owned my body
the tree in the front yard
tulips that were mowed over
every spring

now when each winter comes around
I do think of you
I am honey and you are the teacup
and we sit
and there is that closeness again

I expected too much from you
I balanced the void with
basement escapes
buried under sheets with my dolls
or staring blankly into the dark
forcing the light back through

I see you
I see the water welling
betraying your stoic independence
the space between us
never found

credits

from Evidence of Love, released September 5, 2020

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Diane Barbarash Vancouver, British Columbia

Thank you to the ones who inspire me daily to be true to myself when I write... Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Steve Earle, Sigur Ros, Kathleen Edwards, Kacey Musgraves, Julie Miller, Rhianna, Future, Bon Iver, Yellawolf, Lights and to songwriters everywhere ... more

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